You lose, sucka!

So, a couple of weeks ago, my nephew asked me to play marbles with him. I don't want to play, so I kind of don't answer him until he says, "winner gets a quarter". Well, immediately I am a bit more interested in playing. I ask him if he has a quarter, to which he replies, "yes." I let him know that I need to see said quarter before we begin. So, he runs off to his room and comes back with a quarter that he took from his piggy bank. It never occurs to him to ask me to present my quarter, but I figure he must know I'm good for it. After all, I've never lied or tried to cheat him in the past. We choose 5 marbles each, careful to opt for those we think will be the true winners of the bunch. I naturally go for the ones that are the most interesting to look at and create a nice array of color in my hand. For, I have no intention of winning the game. But I do want him to work for it, a bit. So, game on.

I let him take my first two marbles with relative ease. After his confidence builds, he starts getting cocky. Making statements about how it must feel to lose, and how much he rules and I suck. I let him take all but one of my beauties, and upon winning number 4, he shouts out, "you lose, sucka." That's all it took, the beast in me emerged and I knew that this little boy was going down. I became the Yoda of marbles, summoning some hidden inner jedi skill of shooting precise angles and lines to win all of my marbles back and begin taking his. My thumb had the aim of a sniper, it was amazing. Picking marbles off, one by one. As his attitude started to wane, and he started to realize that I was a marble pro, he started to cheat. Winning at all costs. What the hell was that? So, even at 6, little humans go to the dark places in their hearts to protect what, their pride? Self esteem? Reputation? No, their MONEY! The quarter that he had anted up was no longer in sight. He had hidden it. (I promise you that I had no intention of taking his quarter, I wasn't even going to win the game. I was just trying to teach him a little bit about being a good winner. I have no interest in stealing from kids piggy banks - I am not into evil deeds, or bad karma)

When I asked him where it was, he pretended to not know. He told me that the bet didn't count and that he was just kidding when he made it. Immediately, my heart sank. Does corruption exist in all of us from the beginning? Are we all just cheaters by nature? Surely if a child's mind is capable of manipulating words and situations in their own best interest, the answer must be yes. Is it only by some other means that some of us keep this tendency in check and choose not to indulge in our own will to cheat others to better ourselves? Just as I was giving up on the entire human race, and getting ready to pull my soap box out of my back pocket to deliver a dissertation on the evil that is greed....my nephew presented me with the quarter and declared me the victor of the game. I told him that he was a good boy, and for being a good sport I would give him his quarter back and that the best part of the game was just playing with him. With that, he quickly snatched up that quarter and ran off with it. I am a sucka!

Little Worms

I saved a worm today. An earthworm to be exact. I feel fuzzy all over. Basically, any fuzzy feeling inducing activites rank pretty high on the "do as many times as possible" list. I've helped hundreds of these blind and deaf creatures find their way from the inevitable concrete bake fest, back to the safety of the grass and soil. It's amazing how a single little worm writhing in the sun can inspire me to think outside of my own head. This is no small feat. But, somehow earthworms get to me every time.
So, you are probably saying to yourself, "it's just a worm, big deal - and this girl might be a little wacked." Well, you are right. It is just a worm, and in the grand scheme of things....not a real big deal. You are probably right about the wacked part too. But, here's the thing-it's easy to care about the big stuff. The big, important stuff that obviously matters. The little things are where everything that matters is manifested. I find it inspiring when I see people acting on what little things matter to them. I like to see people celebrating the little things about the people they love. I love to see people recognizing how important the little things are. I trust the little things, almost without question.
The little things are what makes us unique and in my case...a little wacked. But who says wacked is bad? Today I was important to an earthworm. I gotta say, I've had worse days.

How many miles to go?

I run. Well, I do what is technically running, but the casual observer would probably call it jogging. It's running to me. It's laborious in a truly rewarding and exhilarating way. Sometimes I have to trick my body into thinking it can go another mile. Sometimes the tricks don't work and I have to accept that my body can go no further. It is a balance of victories and defeats to which I am both the winner and loser. A constant test of my own stength, perseverance and will. I run on a track, where the beginning and the end are the same spot. Am I running towards the end, or away from the beginning?

I run. Well, I do what is technically running, but the casual observer would probably call it escaping. It's running to me. It's safe in a truly disappointing and unfulfilling way. Sometimes I have to trick my mind into thinking that I can be tied down. Sometimes the tricks don't work and I have to accept that my mind is not able to commit to anything. It is a balance of victories and defeats to which I am both the winner and loser. A constant display of my own insecurities, stubborness, and lack of faith. I run on a track, where the beginning and end are the same spot. Am I running towards the end or away from the beginning?

I run. Well, I do what is technically running, but the casual observer would probably call it chasing. It's running to me. It's challenging in a truly strategic and calculating way. Sometimes I have to trick myself into believing that what I am chasing can be caught. Sometimes the tricks are just tricks and my quarry disappears as soon as I reach out to grab it. It is a balance of victories and defeats to which I am both the winner and loser. A constant reminder of my own vanity, ego, and need for validation. I run on a track, where the beginning and the end are the same spot. Am I running towards the end or away from the beginning?

Towards life, away from life. Running reminds me that I am alive, but it also keeps me from truly living. How many miles will I go before I have to stop and catch my breath? Will I ever stumble across a single space in time that will be a place where I want to be? A place so peaceful that I'm no longer interested in chasing what is out there in the abyss.....a place so safe that I don't care what is out there running after me. I catch glimpses of it sometimes, this place, so I know it's out there. Luckily, I run on a track, where the beginning and the end are the same spot, if I miss it the first time around - I'll catch up to it on the next lap, or maybe I'll slow down and let it catch up to me.

What does tamed mean?

Excerpt from The Little Prince, by Antoine De Saint Exupery:

"Come and play with me," the little prince proposed. "I'm feeling so sad."
"I can't play with you, " the fox said. "I'm not tamed."
"I'm looking for friends. What does tamed mean?"
"It's something that's been too often neglected. It means, 'to create ties'...."
"The only thing you learn are the things you tame," said the fox. "People haven't time to learn anything. They buy things ready-made in stores. But since there are no stores where you can buy friends, people no longer have friends. If you want a friend, tame me!"
"What do I have to do?" asked the little prince.
"You have to be very patient," the fox answered. "First you'll sit down a little ways away from me, over there in the grass. I'll watch you out of the corner of my eye and you won't say anything. Language is the source of misunderstandings. But day by day, you'll be able to sit a little closer....."

I love the message of this passage. I often reflect on the words of the fox when I am meeting someone new who I hope to build a friendship with. Anyone who reads this post who actually knows me is chuckling right now because they know how issued I am about trust and letting people into my life. It basically never happens. But every once in a while, someone will come along who I find myself effortlessly drawn to, and who I instantly adore. And I am reminded that real friendship is a rare, beautiful gift. It's unassuming, forgiving, and most importantly patient. It's something you build and nurture - it's something that takes time. We are not conditioned for things that take time anymore. If we don't have instant gratification, we move on. There is beauty in letting people be who they are and not what you want them to be. There is grace in taking the good with the bad and not just forgiving, but truly forgetting. There have been so many times that I have let my pride cause me to shut the door on someone that I should have been more patient with. These are people that I look back on and wish I still knew. If I had been a better friend, I would still have them in my life and my life would be better for it.

So, if you see me hangin' out in your yard, not saying anything and letting you just be you....know that I am not a stalker.....just someone who would like to tame you. Someone who would like to be your friend.

P.S. Patience is not my strong point - I'm working on it, but it would help if you just yelled out to me to come on in!!

P.S.S. To all of the amazing foxes already in my circle of tamedness - this girl smiles everyday because of you.

Some albums from back in the day.....

If you are in need of some musical inspiration, find these albums and LISTEN to them. They have been in constant rotation on my iPod for the last two weeks. They are timeless and perfect....they rule!

Echo and the Bunnymen - Songs to Learn and Sing
Lou Reed - Rock n Roll Animal
Peter Gabriel - 1
Pearl Jam - Ten
Neil Young - Harvest