Christmas Tree Minties

So, every year since I can remember, my Grandma has given Christmas candy bags to everyone in my family. And each year, my bag has contained these little Christmas candies that I like to call the "Christmas Tree Minties". They are flat, round mint nougats with red trim and a little green tree in the middle. This candy girl cannot get enough of them. On Christmas day, I can regularly be found working trades, sometimes as high as a 3:1 ratio in order to procure as many of these minty jewels as I can. As tasty as these candies are, the real draw for me is to try and eat them in such a manner as to extract the tree (trunk and all) in one piece. Yes, I make even candy eating complicated...this should not surprise any of you.
Anyway, today, my Grandma comes up to me on the sly and gives me a whole bag of them. She tells me to sneak them out in my coat so nobody else sees that she is giving them to me -- and she is serious. Fair is the name of the game in my family. She counts out every piece of candy that goes into those bags to make absolutely sure that they are identical. Imagine my delight upon learning that my Grandma was willing to jeopardize the delicate balance of family equality just so I could have my own bag of Christmas Tree Minties...it was awesome! My grandma was a rebel today...I don't think I could have asked for anything better.

Is that a cucumber in your pocket...

Cucumbers are not penises. Cucumbers are not penises. Say it with me this time...cucumbers are not penises. I realize that men are visual creatures, and that's great, but geez...can't a girl work the produce section without some guy watching her like she is performing in some kind of 4-H porn flick? And yes, I'm choosy about my cucumbers...so, call me a tease...and move on. I love men, some of my favorite people are men, but honestly - I don't know how they make it through their day sometimes.